9 ways to help you get yourself out on a sticky wicket and get back to the dressing room safely

1. Study. Critical theory, Barthes, Said, Poetics, post-colonial theory, Sara Suleri, Ngugi, Coetzee, Spivak - anything and (preferably) everything.

2. Write yr goddamn term paper.

3. Shop for a hot new dress for your girls' night out.

4. Watch blonde chick flicks that make you sob happily a little and think about your BFFs and drink more coffee before you return to Said's arms.

5. Tequila with the girls!**

6. Go dancing with the girls.**

7. Bake 'em a burnt Shepherd's Pie.**

8. Get your eyebrows done, buy a new kohl stick, and dress nicely again.

9. Remember that cliches are often true.

**To be executed only after May 26, 2011. Conditions apply.